Curiosity May Have Killed the Cat, but in Warren County it Convicts the Twelve Year Old

A nineteen year old teenager from Phillipsburg, NJ, has been attached to Megan’s law today for supposedly “playing doctor,” as it was written in the Star Ledger, with his half-brother on a visit when he was twelve. The nineteen year old, who will be referred to only as “T.T.,” according to his half-brother who was only six years of age at the time, suggested T.T. woke him in the morning, “threw me on the couch and took off my pants.” Then he inserted the douche bottle. I assume I don’t have to clarify where. T.T. said afterward, that he first, to quote the Ledger, “had done it to himself.”

T.T.’s psychiatrist, Timothy Foley—who’s last name holds so much irony presently—administered a test for detecting pedophiles, which I can only conclude involves giving the patient the options of having a bag of lollipops, a big blue—windowless—van, a bag of lollipops and a big blue van, or possibly a hero sandwich, then seeing which one the patient goes after. The test results, according to Foley, showed no sexual interest “in males or pre-pubescent children.” Therefore, T.T. was not sexually motivated. However, is that enough to exclude this “curious,” as T.T. stated in the Ledger, twelve year old boy from getting roped with Megan’s Law at nineteen?

“It’s a win, clearly,” Assistant Warren County Prosecutor Howard McGinn told the Ledger, which once again proves that there is nothing to do in Warren County. He says that many experts believe that a majority of rapes are motivated by anger rather than lust, not to be confused with the ‘after the fight, make-up fuck’ many couples enjoy. McGinn says it’s the only reason he appealed: that, and “fucking boredom. I mean, all we got is fields out here, buddy. My last case was over cow-tipp’n for Christ’s sake!” Ok, maybe the last quote isn’t entirely accurate, but I’m sure he was thinking it.

David Burton, a professor at the Smith College School for Social Work in Northampton, Mass., who the Ledger states, “researched juvenile sex offenders,” said: “When we apply Megan’s Law to kids, I get concerned.” He went on to suggest that he only wanted to know where all the naughty, naughty men were in his community.

But T.T. has a chance! He can utilize a procedure, created in 2001, which allows juvenile sex offenders to ask a judge to relinquish them from Megan’s Law once they turn eighteen, which I believe includes a paddling in the judges chambers to pay penance for sins committed. However, if T.T. has to continue to register under the law, he can still have another hearing held to determine the amount of risk he poses, based on the reliability of a new scale designed to assess juvenile sex offenders. The test may involve placing juvenile pedophiles at the opposite ends of seesaws as adult pedophiles in hopes to excude a bit of levity in the case against the J.V.’s.

On a personal note, I grew up in the town of Phillipsburg. Except, luckily for me, my sister, brother, and I opted out of “playing doctor,” in exchange for the board game operation, which only allows you to touch with tongs and buzzes whenever you touch a bad place.