Ho, Ho, Ho, Ya Know!

Hello kiddies, it's almost Christmas. The one night of the year when dear old Santa actually gets to leave his house for the evening: I know, his wife's got him whipped! Can you imagine what it would be like to be with the same person for an eternity, and only get to leave the house one night a year? I know he's cruising around with a hooker on that sled, you don't even have to suggest it.
And I'm pretty sure that elves don't make the presents anymore either: it's all corporate now. If not, then why do the toys say Parker Brothers or Milton Bradley? Elves wear suits and carry blackberries now-a-days, Santa simply cuts down on shipping costs. And don't even act like one of them doesn't help Mrs. Claus out on the evening either; sex toys are still toys. It's not just hard for men, ya know...sexist bastard.