New Column for The Metro

The Metro

Cool Kids Bark in the Classroom

Finally, FDU students, it has arrived! Somehow, I’m not exactly sure of the logistics—I’ll have to ask the freshman I’ve been bullying into doing my homework—but we have to take the flag and run with it. Now I’m not speaking to everyone. If you have half a brain, skip this column; I’m sure there will be plenty other “brainy” articles to interest you in other sections of The Metro. Other reasons to skip would be: self-confidence, high self-esteem, talent, or any shred of self-respect. But if you don’t have any of those ugly little attributes, you’ll be interested to know that grade-school conduct has now burst onto the Florham campus!

Remember the good ol’ days of grade school when you’d rather pass notes, blow spitballs, or pick on the smart kid in class than actually pay attention? Well it’s back, baby! So far, I’ve only really witnessed it in my English Language class from two girls who sit behind me. They’ve not gotten to the spitballs, yet, but they hiss, bark, make fart-jokes, and attempt to pick on anyone actually attempting to learn in the classroom.

Learners: who are they kidding? More like losers. Why would anyone want to spend hours of class time listening and even taking notes when they could be hissing and barking? It’s no competition. Hissing and barking are some of the most fun (whoops, I mean funnest) things to do on the planet! There’s absolutely nothing funner (got it). Personally, I like to caw, but have only been able to do so in the privacy of my own home. That is, until now. And who doesn’t like to pick on people. It just makes you feel better about yourself.

Just think about it. There’s nothing but possibility here, especially with President Bush’s “No child left behind” initiative. Soon, we may have loads of barkers and hissers in the classroom. They won’t be able to stop us! The professors may even stop teaching. The only prerequisite for a four year degree will be attendance, and who’s going to miss a class when there are fart-jokes involved? You have to keep up with the latest trends in farting. Plus, the degree is all that’s important anyway, right? All we’re looking for is that piece of paper that lets employers see we should know what we’re doing. How hard could the job application process be anyway? Just remember you can always work in government.

There will be dissenters, no doubt, but we can take a tip from Vonnegut’s story “Harrison Bergeron”—the one I was supposed to read for class, but then found on Spark Notes. In the story, anyone who thinks too much has government-issued ear pieces that signal twenty-one gun salutes and church bells into their ears every fifteen minutes. Let’s see those brainiacs think through that!

However, we may have to kill anyone majoring in writing, philosophy, literature, or history, because they can possibly produce more books. We don’t want any more writing. That’s just more reading! If we stick together, we may never have to pick up a book again.

If you have read this far into the column, you are not one of us. Watch your back!