Happy Halloween Everybody!

Short, short, short forward written by the noted scholar of the super-natural Dr. Jeckyll:

What follows is a compendium of highlights taken from the online dating profiles of Count Dracula, The Mummy, The Wolf-man, and the Swamp-Thing. They have not been altered in any way, and were collected by students from the University of Iowa’s MFA program; depicting what the future great writers of America are doing with their spare time.

Dracula’s Interests: I enjoy quiet walks in the city by moon-light, preferably with a lady; especially, if that lady is a virgin from the village. I’m new to the New York area, so I’d like to meet a woman that could show me the sights, while not being embarrassed by my wearing my “I heart NY” t-shirt everywhere I go. I have been told that I have a bit of a drinking problem that only hurts those close to me, but I’m trying to change. However, I have gone through fifteen A.A. sponsors. My other interests include stalking prey, morphing into a bat (a killer at cocktail parties), and sleeping in all day. I am unemployed, but don’t worry ladies I’ve inherited a long standing family fortune.

The Mummy on Apparel: Listen to me ladies, off-white is the new pink! Even after Labor Day! I cannot count how many times I’ve shown up at a Halloween party and someone else was wearing my same outfit. It’s actually become bothersome to go the whole night with the other people at the party calling us twins. I was born a whole millennium earlier and it’s not like I have a great choice in costumes. What, am I supposed to dress up like a cowboy, so this guy can dress up like me? That’s ridiculous. Anyway, hit me up if you want to get with a real man; I’ve got belly lint older than some of these imposters.

The Swamp-Thing on owning property: You have to own your own property now-a-days—renting is a joke. I own a place on the water. I built it myself, back in the seventies. It’s probably worth a cool million right about now, with the housing boom and all, but I don’t wanna brag. Just know that I’m settled. Ain’t nobody pulling the sea-weed out from under my feet. So if you’re looking for a responsible man who already has a stake in his future, and you like fog and the sweet smell of swamp air, I’m your guy.

The Wolf-man’s message to the ladies: Ladies, if you’re looking for something soft and furry to cuddle up to—I’m your man. If you want babies in your future, look no further. I love babies. Sometimes I even sneak out late at night to go and find them. They’re so cute, and tiny, and they taste like chicken. If you’re into hair, I’ll have you know that I go through about ten gallons of conditioner a month. A month! And only Tre’ Semme’. Oooh la la is right! I swear it gets my hair like silk. But I hate silver. This guy only rocks platinum and ice, so if you like silver go back to the dollar store, cause you’re not for me. Ouwooooh!