Why can't all date-related complaints be like this?

Dear Ms. Chapleski:

Staying at your house on the eve of October 17, 2006 was agreeable, but somewhat lacking considering my expectations.

Watching the all-night I Love Lucy marathon on Nickelodeon, while binging on popcorn and Rice-Krispy Treats was not exactly what I had in mind for the evening; at least, not the entire evening.

I feel it is my responsibility to suggest to you several more preferable ways in which to entertain a man that you have invited to your home after a date:

1. Offer him some sort of alcoholic beverage. I enjoyed the Hawaiian punch; maybe add Vodka?
2. Play some eloquent music, such as Jazz. I Love Lucy on television will not convince him to love you.
3. Something like Shrimp cocktail or clams would be an alternative to the popcorn and Rice-Krispy Treats.
4. If you are going to make the man sleep on the couch, at least sleep alongside him. Even if you only utilize the head to foot position, for example.

I would be most grateful to receive a reply to the ideas I’ve suggested, and possibly even another date. May I please have your response by November 5 so that I can better situate my plans for the upcoming weekend.

Sincerely yours,

Jason Myers

Prospect