Welcome to New York!

One problem with living slightly above the poverty line in the tri-state area is that you still feel like an asshole when you're walking in the city and you pass one of those tables with the jugs for donations to the homeless, but you know that if you gave you'd be right where they are. After I gave my last five dollars, I'd have to exchange seats with the guy and ask for my money back.

Yes, they continue to move the cheese. Sadly, it's never towards my mouth.

Another Note on the "Starving Artist" Idea

How can anyone really be a starving artist? When I'm starving I can't even think; unless, it's about food of course. You'd think there'd be more paintings of meatloaf, or possibly, a burger and fries. The center piece of the starving artist's exhibit at MOMA, a block of cheddar cheese. Professor's could stand around conversing: "This artist never made it during his lifetime. Sadly, this was his last piece of work." Others in the chorus: "breathtaking. Simply magnificient."

Hungry Artist, Maybe. Come on! Who's starving? Really?! Starving?

Someone referred to me as a starving artist today. I replied: No, I'm simply starving. Luckily, that was enough to get him to buy me lunch. That seems like a Woody Allen joke to me.

A Note on the Current Sexy Situation

Listen. No one can bring Sexy back: it was Sexy's decision to leave, and no one knows that better than Sexy. When she decides to get off her lazy ass and come back to work she can. We all know Sexy doesn't work that hard; therefore, Sexy does not deserve an escort. So all these famous stars can attempt to evoke Sexy with there one lined catch-phrases all they want, cause Sexy will simply treat there proclamations like a welfare-mother treats an alarm-clock and simply hit snooze. Why try? If there's one thing about Sexy, it is that she always seems to get what she wants.

Ten Reasons I Feel I'm "Utterly Jersey"

1. I find woman who wear bronzer and too much eyeliner attractive.

2. Most of the girls I went to college with looked like Tara Reid (and ironically had similar drinking habits).

3. I feel high property taxes are ok if they finance keeping such an aesthetically pleasing state.

4. I'm ok with Newark, but Irvington is just out of hand.

5. To me, there's only one city and it isn't freakin' Philadelphia.

6. I don't know anyone who doesn't pay too much for a bad haircut.

7. I can't sleep without the sounds of airplanes soaring overhead.

8. I find proselytizing in the classroom agreeable, right Kearny!

9. Parsippany is tantamount with the wildwest (you mean, it's past Montclair?!).

10. And finally, I only smoke when I drink, but I'm willing to stand outside in the cold to do so.