Rocking out at 30 Rock!

SNL writer Bryan Tucker putting the HIZZEY in the BLEEZEY!

Sword of Satire?

So, my column came out in The Metro today under the title "Sword of Satire: Cool Kids Bark in the Classroom. " Genius. My teacher informed me a possible disclaimer may be placed atop my piece, but SWORD OF FUCKING SATIRE?! Get out your figurative chainmail and rebut.
The reason for the disclaimer is that some of the students got angry about my last column "Rock Out with you...Um, rock out?", which you can tell by the title is utterly offensive. (You can check it out for yourself on this site.) But sword of satire?
Maybe, whoever's brilliant brainchild this was, felt that because satire is cutting, or biting, maybe, that a sword would work well in the title? I don't know, but they didn't have to place it into my title and add a colon! Now, everyone's gonna think that shit was my original idea. Damn it!
I would never use such a word to describe my satire. Maybe, butter-knife of satire: satire so sharp it will cut you; that is, if you're a stick of warm butter. And even as a stick of butter, the warm part is essential. Without it, you won't even be able to spread the my satire on a piece of bread, digest it, and then release it into the toilet where it sometimes belongs.
This butter-knife of satire may just have something to it. Think of the radio advertisements.

Announcer: Are you hungry?

Voices of a crowd similar to that of the Greek Chorus in the Oresteia: Yes, yes, so very hungry.

Announcer: Well, get ready to fill your belly full of laughs!

Voice of a crowd similar to that of the Greek Chorus in the Oresteia: Laughs, laughs, we all love laughs.

Announcer: Do you like butter? I said, do you like (BLEEP BLEEP) Butteeear! We've got it for ya: satire so smooth you can spread it on toast and actually ingest it.

Voice of a crowd similar to that of the Greek Chorus in the Oresteia: Toast, toast, toast, toast.

Announcer: That's right! The Butter-knife of Satire is here, and he's read- to - spread; just listen:

Me: I think a good comedy name for me would be the King of New Jersey. Honestly, cause if anyone asks I can just blame it on a mistake in editorial: It was supposed to be the King of Jealousy in New Jersey. Get it, cause I'm soooooo jealous. If I were a tub of grape jelly my arch nemesis would be a tub of marshmellow fluff.

Announcer: Oh! That is smooth satire. So all you satire fans better be there, cause this is an event you won't want to miss!

Voice of a crowd similar to that of the Greek Chorus in the Oresteia: Won't want to miss. Won't want to miss.

Announcer: Coming to a page in The Metro...someday soon!

Me: Make a meal of me. Ha, Ha, that kinda means eat me. Ha, Ha.

Well, there you have it. Impressed? Of course not, and neither am I.

New Column for The Metro

The Metro

Cool Kids Bark in the Classroom

Finally, FDU students, it has arrived! Somehow, I’m not exactly sure of the logistics—I’ll have to ask the freshman I’ve been bullying into doing my homework—but we have to take the flag and run with it. Now I’m not speaking to everyone. If you have half a brain, skip this column; I’m sure there will be plenty other “brainy” articles to interest you in other sections of The Metro. Other reasons to skip would be: self-confidence, high self-esteem, talent, or any shred of self-respect. But if you don’t have any of those ugly little attributes, you’ll be interested to know that grade-school conduct has now burst onto the Florham campus!

Remember the good ol’ days of grade school when you’d rather pass notes, blow spitballs, or pick on the smart kid in class than actually pay attention? Well it’s back, baby! So far, I’ve only really witnessed it in my English Language class from two girls who sit behind me. They’ve not gotten to the spitballs, yet, but they hiss, bark, make fart-jokes, and attempt to pick on anyone actually attempting to learn in the classroom.

Learners: who are they kidding? More like losers. Why would anyone want to spend hours of class time listening and even taking notes when they could be hissing and barking? It’s no competition. Hissing and barking are some of the most fun (whoops, I mean funnest) things to do on the planet! There’s absolutely nothing funner (got it). Personally, I like to caw, but have only been able to do so in the privacy of my own home. That is, until now. And who doesn’t like to pick on people. It just makes you feel better about yourself.

Just think about it. There’s nothing but possibility here, especially with President Bush’s “No child left behind” initiative. Soon, we may have loads of barkers and hissers in the classroom. They won’t be able to stop us! The professors may even stop teaching. The only prerequisite for a four year degree will be attendance, and who’s going to miss a class when there are fart-jokes involved? You have to keep up with the latest trends in farting. Plus, the degree is all that’s important anyway, right? All we’re looking for is that piece of paper that lets employers see we should know what we’re doing. How hard could the job application process be anyway? Just remember you can always work in government.

There will be dissenters, no doubt, but we can take a tip from Vonnegut’s story “Harrison Bergeron”—the one I was supposed to read for class, but then found on Spark Notes. In the story, anyone who thinks too much has government-issued ear pieces that signal twenty-one gun salutes and church bells into their ears every fifteen minutes. Let’s see those brainiacs think through that!

However, we may have to kill anyone majoring in writing, philosophy, literature, or history, because they can possibly produce more books. We don’t want any more writing. That’s just more reading! If we stick together, we may never have to pick up a book again.

If you have read this far into the column, you are not one of us. Watch your back!

The Best Political Minds in the Business

below me303: the dems won congrees
below me303: congress
SuperDanTheOnly: cool
below me303: you like that?
SuperDanTheOnly: idk
SuperDanTheOnly: do you like plowa sauce?
below me303: everyone likes plowa sauce
SuperDanTheOnly: you're an ass
SuperDanTheOnly: lol
below me303: what the fuck is plowa sauce
SuperDanTheOnly: exactly my point
SuperDanTheOnly: what was majority in congress before
below me303: plowa sauce
below me303: ?
SuperDanTheOnly: I meant I don't know what the fuck a democrat is
SuperDanTheOnly: and plowa sauce is a liberian dish
SuperDanTheOnly: I feel so unpatriotic, cuz I have no clue what the hell these people are doing to my life
below me303: i hear the democrat is a sleek, crafty, creature that lives in remote parts of the western hemisphere
below me303: they live off of swamp grass and poor people
SuperDanTheOnly: lol
SuperDanTheOnly: oh ok
SuperDanTheOnly: that explains it
SuperDanTheOnly: are you sure it's not the republicans living off poor people? they're the ones that are so in favor of blowing the shit out of North Korea
below me303: yeah, maybe i got the two mixed up
below me303: you called it

I Think this may be the most Blasphemous thing I've Ever Written...Pray for me?

When God Seems out of Reach you can always find a Set of Golden Arches Somewhere.

Has religion provided as much for the poor as a double-cheeseburger

On a McDonald’s dollar menu?

How can a preacher provide a sermon packed with as much meat,

And sandwich it for consumption?

How many dollars waste away in collection plates

That could’ve been used

In a more suitable way for a hungry man’s palate?

Has anyone ever left a church truly full?

Ronald McDonald is not a false idol,

But a prophet

Leading the way to affordable eating.

Weren’t Jesus and Mohammed attempting the same:

To satiate their people with substance; something tangible;

Something sustaining?

Obesity kills, but religion does also.

Who has the higher death-tab?

When you’re hungry who’s counting?

I’ve never heard of a war being waged over ingredients

To the Big Mac’s secret sauce.

So people of the pew please pray all you like.

Everyone feel free to sing at the synagogue.

Muslims place your mats down and kneel

Facing Mecca.

I join all of you, but hope that I am answered

With a short line at the drive-thru.

She took it--gracefully?

Why can't all date-related complaints be like this?

Dear Ms. Chapleski:

Staying at your house on the eve of October 17, 2006 was agreeable, but somewhat lacking considering my expectations.

Watching the all-night I Love Lucy marathon on Nickelodeon, while binging on popcorn and Rice-Krispy Treats was not exactly what I had in mind for the evening; at least, not the entire evening.

I feel it is my responsibility to suggest to you several more preferable ways in which to entertain a man that you have invited to your home after a date:

1. Offer him some sort of alcoholic beverage. I enjoyed the Hawaiian punch; maybe add Vodka?
2. Play some eloquent music, such as Jazz. I Love Lucy on television will not convince him to love you.
3. Something like Shrimp cocktail or clams would be an alternative to the popcorn and Rice-Krispy Treats.
4. If you are going to make the man sleep on the couch, at least sleep alongside him. Even if you only utilize the head to foot position, for example.

I would be most grateful to receive a reply to the ideas I’ve suggested, and possibly even another date. May I please have your response by November 5 so that I can better situate my plans for the upcoming weekend.

Sincerely yours,

Jason Myers

Prospect